from prince charmings to not so happy endings
there are certain moments wherein i try to get a grip of myself. i was trying to comprehend what have i done. what happened. i guess, i tried to process things but it was just too late. then right there and then, i was trapped. i could not go out to that situation wherein my mind starts to wonder.for some peculiar reason which i cannot comprehend i cannot move on. memories would just linger there. in my head. yes, i could say i am trapped. there, i remember how he looked at me. all those little- yet blissful- things came back. the way he would stare at me, the way he would laugh. everything is so crystal clear.
for that moment as those little things came back into my head i wish i was i had the power to erase my memory (like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). But even if i tried so hard, i just cannot get rid of all those memories. all those blissful memories. i just want to remove every single memory of him. for some strange reason, everytime i see him or hear anything about him those memories just keep on coming back.
every person that i have tried to talked to told me: "move on and let go". what the hell are they talking about?! that was the most cruel and the hardest question that i have encountered in my entire life. it was easy for them to tell me that "you should move on!". like how??? i know it was harder than any accounting problem that i have stumbled upon! harder than any political science paper. answering the question is just a step higher, but the solution to this mind-boggling question of how to move on is the most crucial part.
sh*t!
everything that happened between us was totally unexpected. everything that happened was so bizarre. i never intended to like him from the start, yet for some weird experience, one day i just told someone that i like him. i know he was just this typical guy, who loves to wear those striped shirts (which i usually despise), black leather sandals and khaki shorts. he was just that typical guy who was somehow quiet yet funny and witty. yeah, he was really funny. i guess that was the reason why we were close, he was funny. he made me smile everytime i was with him. i guess that was the reason why i fell for him. i know at some point he did too.
but everything went out of hand because i was blinded of my ever foolish childish ways, i made him cry. i was too selfish and i know i hurt him. i ruined the perfect love story or our so-called fairytale. he was my #1 fan, worst critique, best friend, worst enemy, my guy, my platypus. mine.
but i just made him cry.
now a lot of mind-boggling questions are bothering me. up to this certain moment. i want to get some answers, i just can't even if i tried to ask several questions. even if i asked those questions a million times, i won't get answers. i know right now, i miss him. he used to be my prince charming. yeah he used to. i know at some point i made him feel complete, and he used to complete me. forgetting someone and learning to breathe is the hardesst part in this journey. i do still wonder why do i still cling on to the memories?
...i still love him...
nothing can change that.
i know love can hurt so much. it could bring an unexplainable pain to someone. now i am holding on to the pain. the pain that i have brought him. the pain that made him cry. there i want to remember everything. every blissful moment, every tear that went down to his cheeks. i want to remember that i have once loved and that i lost. i do not know when will these wounds heal. i just hope someday it would.
i know i still love him and i know that he's never coming back. yet, there will always be a certain place for him in my heart and nothing or no one can ever change that. i do miss him, i do miss the guy who used to call me a monkey (even if i sort of hated that), i do miss the old guy who wore those black leather sandals...orange striped shirt and khaki shorts. i miss the guy who used to make me smile. the guy who used to complete me. i miss my platypus.
but now, i know after several months a lot of things have changed. he surely have changed. everything changed.
even me.
posted by tippy @ 9:53 PM
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